Today would have been my mothers birthday. Gihan Kerollos would have turned 54 were she not murdered by my father, her husband 6 years ago. I often wonder if any meaning could be found from an act of such senseless violence. Maybe it’s not that deep and the universe doesn’t care about what happens in one family. Things keep being replayed in my head over and over again. I’ve sought therapy and other healing practices to deal with these endless questions.
Gigi was obviously innocent and deserved better. She hasn’t been and won’t be the last to die in this way until things change. As I continue to live with this reality, I can’t help but think about what it was that created the conditions for such a tragic event to take place.
Culture
The cultural identity of my family is Egyptian, which is a very Arabic type of culture. The types of attitudes towards personal freedom for women are very backwards. This further allows mistreatment of women in intimate relationships, where the community more readily turns a blind eye when they hear that things aren’t going so well. It also fosters a social landscape of ignorance towards topics like domestic violence and mental health.
Religion
This may somewhat fall under culture, but my family identified as a religious family. You could imagine the type of community pressure placed on my parents to stop them from splitting when the going got tough, both from family members and the religious community. Conservative bodies such as religious institutions are slow to change their ‘policies’ for lack of a better word. There are also problematic attitudes towards women propagated by many faiths, and I’ve since lost my personal faith.
Patriarchy
This is (still) everywhere in our society and is hard to pinpoint. It pervades our languages and civil systems. Take for example the way the Australian legal system found my father not guilty of murder, or how difficult and/or impossible it can be for a victim to leave an abusive relationship (think social, economic, legal, physical safety barriers).
Gender Roles
A subset of patriarchy in my opinion, restrictive gender roles make it hard for victims to leave abusive, unsafe relationships. Rigid gender roles also make it hard for people to express themselves and live life on their terms, leading to an environment where oppression becomes the norm (for everyone), poor mental health, breakdowns, insecurity and resentment in relationships, and reinforced ignorance of language and tools to deal with issues like domestic violence and mental health. This is why normalizing queerness would be a huge opportunity for healing in the world.
Homophobia and Queerphobia:
This problem has its roots in many of the items mentioned above. It may seem unconnected but there is absolutely a connection between homophobia and misogyny/DV. Thanks to the patriarchy, men are forced to restrict their identities into a little box and play by the rules, lest they be perceived as weak and unmanly by their male peers and also by patriarchal women. These rules are hardwired into men from a young age. Rules like ‘do not cry or show emotion”, ‘do not show vulnerability or softness’, ‘do not appear to care about your appearance’, ‘you must be controlling and dominant’, ‘you must obtain power’, ‘do not take women seriously’, ‘do not be gay’, ‘only wear black’ and ‘do not be feminine’. It’s ironic and sad that these ridiculous ‘rules’ hurt men as well as the children and women who are a part of their lives. Homophobia is a direct product of the patriarchy, and if we would just take some time to identify and name the feelings and their roots, I think the world would be a better place.
Economics
My family worried about money a lot. This added pressure on every aspect of family life. There was pressure to keep up and provide and the state of things felt more like a fight for survival than anything else. Between mortgages, school fees, and bills, it was tough for my parents to do what seemed like the bare minimum. Is the current state of Capitalism to blame for this status quo? Can’t we do better to create a system with more economic and social equity? Or are we all doomed to crawl through this system of slavery with endless extra steps. I am very sure that this is a big factor for domestic violence in intimate relationships.
Education
Lack of higher education and lack of education on domestic violence, trauma, mental health were facts in my family. My mother obtained higher education, whereas my father chose to help his father run an automotive parts shop. I grew up with parents with 2 very different outlooks on life, and I was never exposed to the idea of ‘mental health’ until 6 years ago when my mother was killed. Instead of mental health, I had concepts like ‘praying’ and ‘mental toughness’ through things like sports and gym. This may sound like an exaggeration and a joke, and even though I knew psychologists were a thing, I legitimately thought they were only for absolutely crazy people. This is the level of ignorance and lack of education which existed in my family. The prevalence of toxic online spaces and figures pushing a warped idea of masculine ideals on vulnerable and impressionable young children is not helpful
concluding thoughts
On the surface we seemed like a nice, even normal family. I was a high achiever in school and the school captain. My parents worked at hospitals. I was (and still am) very active in sports and music. We went to church often. We had entered the property market. We all had social lives (except my mother until towards the end). But cultural, economic, social, factors as well as the intersection of these must have played a role in shaping my fathers entitled mindset, giving him the idea that he had the authority to commit this crime. They would have also contributed to shaping an environment of ignorance, and normalized the reinforcing of the patriarchal ideals which cause so many deaths. These current facts of our society run deep. Will we change these problematic facets of our society? What would our economies look like if we prioritized wellbeing over growth? If men were allowed to believe that they were worth more than merely what they could provide? What would our schools look like if we stopped forcing gender norms on children during their formative years? What type of well rounded, conscious, in tune adults would they grow up to become and what kind of world would they build? What if we amended legislation and made it compulsory for religious leaders to receive domestic violence training, and made them liable for the lives of loved ones lost to domestic violence? Why haven’t we put our best and brightest towards coming up with solutions to these problems? Or have we decided that the price of change would be too steep, and that the current cost we pay in the lives of loved ones is an acceptable price to pay? Nothing will bring my mom back, and as the world moves on this will continue to be my reality, and the reality of so many others.
May she rest in peace.
